Are you being wrongly accused by your jealous partner? What to do next…
To be wrongly accused is a horrible feeling– especially when the one accusing you is your love .
It’s uncomfortable when you’ve made a mistake, haven’t fessed up yet and are walking around dreading that fateful moment when you’ll have to come clean about what you did. On the other hand, it’s almost unbearable to be blind-sided by allegations from your partner that have completely no grounding in the facts that are clear to you.
Nobody likes to be put on the defensive and as your partner’s jealous mind continues concocting false stories about you flirting or even having affairs, you may become frustrated and angry.
Perhaps there was a time in your past when you did flirt or cheat, but that was a really long time ago. You have changed. Or maybe you’ve never even considered cheating but your mate has had hurtful experiences in the past and now someone else’s betrayal is being taken out on you.
None of this is fair.
And, chances are, there is an expanse of tension and distance growing between you and the one you love. It may seem clear to you that it is your partner’s jealous mind that is causing all of the trouble.
This may be so.
But you really can’t change someone else’s thoughts and habits which may be rooted in past events and beliefs.
You also don’t have to continue on this path of jealousy, accusations, and misunderstandings that you and your partner have been on. You can bring improvements in how you talk about jealousy and how you are in your relationship . Your partner may choose to make beneficial changes as well.
Ultimately, you two can begin to move closer together.
Jan knows very clearly that she isn’t doing anything wrong. She goes to work, comes home, spends two nights a week at meetings for social clubs and the rest of time is with her husband Phil. But even with Jan’s regular routine, Phil is often worried and jealous.
He is convinced that Jan is having an affair with some mysterious man rather than attending her club meetings. Just about every time Jan returns home from either playing bridge or her book club, she is met at the door with hostility and accusations.
At first when Phil began accusing Jan of having an affair, she laughed it off. She actually thought he was joking or perhaps even a little envious that she is more social than he is. But Phil’s suspicions and charges of her supposed infidelity have become difficult to bear.
Make a conscious decision to be trustworthy.
If you can relate to Jan’s situation and you are dealing with a partner who has a jealous mind that seems to be driving the two of you apart, try to take a mental step back in your own mind. For the moment, set aside your judgments about how unfair this whole situation is.
Of course, it is unfair, but judging your partner or the situation will not help either of you make a shift. Consider ways that you can demonstrate your trustworthiness to your mate.
We aren’t necessarily suggesting that Jan ask her book club and bridge friends to call Phil to prove she was actually at these weekly gatherings. Instead, she might consider ways that are comfortable to her to regularly let him know she is acting with integrity.
For example, Jan may choose to sit down with Phil after the bridge game and share about a particularly good hand she was dealt. She can also be aware of promises she makes to him and do her best to keep them– no matter how insignificant they seem.
What conscious decisions can you make to demonstrate that you are keeping your word?
Listen for needs and set clear boundaries.
When Phil begins to accuse Jan of sneaking off with another man, she can calmly restate where she has been and let Phil know that she’d like to talk with him about the feelings he’s experiencing right now when he can share emotions rather than accusations. Maybe Phil will be able to take a moment and then talk with Jan about how insecure he feels and how he’d like to more deeply connect with her.
If you can hear the needs that lie behind what your partner is saying, you may be better able to understand where he or she is coming from.
Even if your mate is totally off base in his or her jealousy, there are real feelings and needs that aren’t being met. When you have an idea of what those needs are, you can more easily work with your partner to help him or her meet those needs.
At the same time, you can meet your own needs by setting clear boundaries.
Jan set a boundary by letting Phil know that she would listen to him when he stopped the accusations and, instead, focused on how he is feeling.
You can do this as well. Make clear to your partner what you are willing and unwilling to live with in a gentle and loving– yet firm– way.
As out of your control a situation like this can seem, you are not helpless. When dealing with a partner who has a jealous mind, you can make conscious decisions that show your trustworthiness, set boundaries, and listen to the needs behind your partner’s jealousy.
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