Tag Archives: Love

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5 Grown Up Ways To Deal With Your Emotionally Immature Boyfriend


Here’s the scenario : You vacuumed, paid your bills online, put in a load of laundry, made lunch and ran out the door to pick up his sister’s birthday cake, while your boyfriend sat on the couch looking at cars online. As you drove to the bakery, you listed all the times he’s let you down and been too self-absorbed to notice you need some help. You wonder why the man you love just can’t “man up.”

According to Gary Cross , you’re not alone. Man-boys are a historical phenomenon specific to modern 21st century culture. Many men prolong their youthful emphasis on self by staying in school longer and postponing marriage and parenthood. When they enter the labor market, they only have access to low-paying jobs and temporary work. This means that they delay financial and emotional independence, and they live in temporary situations and in temporary relationships much longer than men of earlier generations.

Since they’re everywhere, you need some tips to deal with man-boys — if you choose to keep them around at all.

1. Be Independent

When you do your own thing, you provide an excellent model for how he can get his own stuff done.

2. Don’t Be His Mom

If you’re a “rescuer,” this is probably a big challenge. Don’t get his sister’s birthday cake. Let him be accountable for whatever situation he creates. Accountability is an excellent teacher.

3. Stop Making Excuses

If you find yourself doing this, then you’re setting yourself up for being taken advantage of. You legitimize his behavior and override your own feelings that could alert you to long-term, problematic behavior. Listen to your intuition, not your mind.

4. Modify His Behavior In Small Steps

If you’re up for the challenge, you can try setting up the house so that he develops more helpful habits. For example, instead of asking him to put in a load of laundry and waiting for it to never happen, you can put the hamper at the top of the stairs and ask him simply to carry it down the stairs next time he is going that way. Put it right in front of the stairs so that he has to pick it up to get around it anyway. Keep your fingers crossed.

5. Be Real About Why You’re With This Guy

The bottom line is that a man-boy is a poor long-term partner. Eventually, even the most efficient ‘go-to’ girl will get tired of doing all the work. If you’re just there for the sex or the laughs, admit it to yourself and your friends. Don’t try to make your man-boy into a man-man by getting pregnant or marrying him. That won’t work.

Being with a man-boy is hard work. Getting angry won’t really change anything, because he doesn’t know how to meet your needs or how to respond to them, even when you tell him clearly what you need. If you decide to stay with your man-boy, do it because you choose this relationship now, just as it is. Stop waiting for him to grow up!

This post originally appeared at YourTango.

By Bligharrison

Here is How You Feels To Be Told You’re Only Missed Because You’re Very Good In Bed


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Breaking up sucks. It’s genuinely one of the world’s worst feelings because it is rejection at in one of its purest forms (well, most of the time). In every break up that I have had, I always find myself wanting something more, wanting one last statement that is somewhere along the lines of, “I love you, but this just can’t work” or “I’m gonna miss the hell out of you.”

Obviously, that never happens. It always sort of dissolves unromantically with either a slough of cursing insults or with a box of stuff, the slam of a car door and so many words still unspoken.

There are also times when it sort of turns into limbo.

We all have that one ex who is just so determined to stay friends after that they still offer to buy you coffee and see you everyday to try and keep some piece of that relationship-comfort-zone that we get into. He is the one that is particularly dangerous because he’s the one who tests your independence and makes you wonder if you’ll ever move on. Or if you even have to.

Well, after a nice long “friend date” with my most recent ex, I decided to do something a little bold. I decided to ask him if he was sad that the relationship was over. I needed some answers. He said no, that he was perfectly content with the decision that we [he] had made. Blow one . I then asked him if there was anything he’d miss about our long and comfortable relationship…

He proceeded to say, “Yeah, but it’s not important.”

Being the overly curious, romantic that I am, I BEGGED him to tell me what it was.

“You’re really good in bed.”

Blow Two.

Um, what?

I was shocked, stunned, and hurt.

I had given my heart and soul to this man, and all he would miss was my sexual prowess.

He wouldn’t miss the home-cooked pizzas we made together.

He wouldn’t miss date nights to our favorite downtown watering holes.

He wouldn’t miss holidays with my family.

He wouldn’t miss the way I kissed his forehead when he was doing his homework.

He wouldn’t miss the mini-adventures we’d take at the most irregular times.

He wouldn’t miss my academic advising help in which I spent hours helping him redo his academic plan after failing YET ANOTHER class.

He wouldn’t miss any of that.

Instead, he’d miss my body and the nights we spent in the dark. The time we spent not looking at each other because we were too entrenched in the act of pleasure.

He would miss having someone there for his needs as a man. A deed any woman could do.

That was when it hit me that he wouldn’t miss ME at all. He’d miss the convenience and the comfort of having a woman. He wasn’t even concerned about me, so this whole “let’s be friends” bullshit was more degradation than validation. It’s the shoebox under the bed you hide the things you only use every-so-often. You ask to stay friends so that you are still in that person’s good graces in case there is something that you need in the future.

And to that I say no. Hell no to your “friendship.”

That is absolutely no way to treat a woman, especially one that has graced you with her time and energy. I refuse to be put on a shelf for safe keeping only to be put there for her appeal.

No woman should ever feel so objectified by a man who once said they cherished her.

Lesson to the man whose only interest is sex and only acts in the interest of that interest. Women are far fiercer than the eye can see.

By Ikemsamuel

Man Here Is The Serious 21 Types Of Girls You Should Date


There’s been this weird trend where suddenly the internet is telling men (and women) what kind of girls they should date. Date a girl who travels. Date a girl who dances. Date a girl who cooks. I could go on. Although I am rather partial to this last one (I seriously love to cook), I find it odd how we need to read random articles on the internet to determine what kind of people we should date. You don’t necessarily need a girl who travels or dances or reads. Well actually, I would hope she reads. But anyways, dating a girl is not always about what she does, but also what she doesn’t do:

Date a Girl Who Isn’t a Whore. This one sounds foolproof, but you’d be surprised how many guys fuck this up.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Answer Texts with Hashtags . Does she think Twitter is secretly reading your conversation? #ontothenextone

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Hang Out with People She Hates . I never understood girls on this one. Why hang out with someone you don’t like, then call the person your ‘friend’?

Date a Girl That Doesn’t Drink and Drive . Unless you think DWI means ‘doesn’t withhold intercourse’.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Constantly Ask If She Looks Fat . An occasional ‘do I look fat?’ moment is okay. Changing her outfit 18 times and asking ‘do I look fat?’ after each outfit isn’t.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Nag All Day. Asking where you are is one thing. But if you tell her you’re going to the store for milk and she insists you’re at a strip club, abort that mission. Now.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Order Take Out Every Night. You want a girl that can fend for herself. And sometimes that means making a decent meal.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Talk Shit. If she’s talking shit to you about someone else, chances are she’s talked shit about you to someone.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Wait Around. A girl who is constantly growing and progressing will keep things interesting to say the least. Realize that a life partner will keep you on your toes and will put pressure on you to be the best you can be.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Preach All Day About Feminism. It’s not that I’m not a feminist. I definitely think men and women should be able to compete together on an equal playing field. It’s just I have this feeling that girls who preach all day about women’s rights might have some insecurities that run on a more personal level. A secure woman knows her worth and doesn’t rely on an ideology to tell her what she can and can’t do.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Use Buzzfeed To Catch Up on Current Events. Because Buzzfeed is oh so accurate.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Flake. This applies to both bailing on events and whether or not she uses Head and Shoulders.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Hide Her Emotions . This one is tricky. You don’t want a walking waterfall for a girlfriend. But you also don’t want a girl who constantly purses her lip and acts all passive aggressive on you, chanting ‘it’s fine’ like it’s her national anthem. Cliché I know, but date a girl who means what she says and says what she means.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Cringe At the Idea of Guys’ Night . Does she not realize this gives her license to also have a girls’ night?

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Pick Her Nose In Front of You . Because that’s fucking gross.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Eat Pizza with a Fork and Knife. Now that is one uptight bitch.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Watch Reality TV all day. You’ll grow to resent her when it’s playoffs season.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Think ‘A Farewell to Arms’ Is a New Diet Book. Through the words of Drake, I always like my women book and street smart.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Disrespect Her Body. I’m not saying your girl needs to be rail thin or the next Crossfit champion. But ultimately, a girl who loves and respects herself is going to take care of herself. That means eating right, exercising, and carving out some time for her and only her.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Ask Why There’s Isn’t A ‘You are Here’ Icon on a Portable Map. If you don’t get this one, you guys deserve each other.

Date a Girl Who Doesn’t Hate You. You’d be surprised how many guys repeatedly go after girls that clearly don’t like them back or aren’t interested. I’m no scientist, but I hypothesize there’s a greater chance of finding love if you ask someone out who finds you attractive and interesting to begin with.

By Jp

Here Is The Only One Vow That Can DESTROY Your Relationship


The phrase that’s sabotaging your intimate relationship.

Sometimes, in a moment of feeling abandoned, unseen, or treated unfairly by our partners, we protect ourselves with a silent vow: “Never again.”

“Never again will I let myself be hurt like this.”

“Never again will I allow myself to be so vulnerable.”

” Never again will I depend on you. “

Such vows may be fully conscious or barely at the edge of awareness.

We may not use the exact words “Never again” but whatever form the vow takes, we draw a line in the sand. We make a pact with ourselves but we don’t tell our partners . We may not realize the power of our decision until months or years later.

To be clear, I am not talking about relationships in which you are the recipient of destructive behavior such as emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. In relationships like that, vowing “Never again” is a sign of health.

You need to make sure the abuse stops, either by the other person addressing their unhealthy patterns or by you leaving the relationship.

Rather, I am talking about relationships in which one or both partners cope with a disappointment or feeling of abandonment by mentally going away.

In my 25 years doing couples counseling, I have seen this many times. A couple enters therapy with one or both partners checked out. Fights go unresolved. Passion has left the relationship. They turn away from each other. They are no longer a team.

Of course, many things can cause partners to turn away from each other. But sometimes as we explore the relationship in counseling, one partner, at first hesitantly then perhaps tearfully, will bring up an event from years ago.

“Eight years ago my doctor thought I might have cancer ,” one person recalls. “I was so afraid for weeks as they did test after test. But you seemed preoccupied with work.”

Another remembers, “My parents died within three months of each other. I felt so alone. But you seemed too busy to comfort me.”

A couple has a second child and the husband seems distant, not sharing the joy or the work, unlike he did with the firstborn. His wife feels confused and abandoned.

A woman has a miscarriage but her partner doesn’t want to talk about it, telling her it’s better to move on. She feels alone in her grief.

One partner’s job is suddenly in jeopardy. He wants support and encouragement but his partner seems critical and worried about money. He feels that nobody has his back.

Such events can trigger deep attachment wounds. We feel alone, misunderstood, and afraid. We wonder: “Why aren’t you there for me? Can I depend on you? Do you really love me?”

We begin to view our partners differently. We trust less. We notice the times they aren’t there for us more than the times they are.

Sometimes we try to communicate our feelings to our partners. But maybe they don’t understand or can’t hear us, so we give up. Other times, not a word is said. We hedge our bets, becoming less invested in the relationship .

Often, in counseling when a partner communicates the pain from a long-ago hurt, we discover that the other partner had little or no idea about the extent of the wound.

The first step to turning around a “Never again” vow is to communicate with your partner. Explain what happened, what you felt, and what you decided.

This may be difficult. If you armored yourself after being hurt, opening up may lead you to feel vulnerable. But “Never again” vows can undermine the foundation of your relationship. The fallout from such attachment wounds generally doesn’t just go away or get better on its own.

If you are telling your partner about a wound that changed how you view the relationship , share as openly as you can. Your partner may initially seem surprised or even defensive, but let your partner know that you are speaking up to try to improve the relationship, not to make it worse.

Also, leave an opening for your partner to talk about what was going on in his or her life at the time.

If your partner is the one telling you about a past incident that hurt them, recognize how hard it may be for them to bring it up. If you notice yourself getting defensive, say that, and then try to remain open. Their speaking up can be seen as an effort to improve the relationship, not as an attack on you.

Honest communication can bring life back to your relationship. If needed, seek the help of a qualified therapist .

Communicating can reset your view of your partner, which may have become negatively biased over time. Exploring what happened can offer lessons on what each of you can do better next time. Healing can soften a “Never again” and open the door to “Let’s try.”

By Fugitive

7 Ways To Avoid Relationships With Unsafe, Toxic People


Learn to see PAST the false charm.

I have seen too many bright, talented and kind people decimated by relationships with narcissistic partners. The trauma inflicted by the abusive is subtle but it can hang on for quite a while and really disempower the target. Even when the abusive relationship is mercifully short, the effects can linger.

It usually is not easy to see these people coming. They are controlling and extra charming when they want you to connect with them. They often have a chameleon-like ability to look like the love of your life when you first start to know them, and they don’t show their true colors until there is some level of committment.

Think it can’t happen to you? There are estimates that upwards of 50% of people have been in an abusive relationship. Contrary to the mythology, the targets of bullies and narcissists, are generally fully functioning, talented, socially savvy people who are better than average at their jobs and who care for other people. Targets of abuse do tend to be more empathic than others, so you might want to exercise more care if you are especially sensitive to others.

Think the targets of bullies are weak people who “let it happen” to them? They are not especially weak, but they usually get backed into a corner by the manipulative and dangerous, and then are vulnerable to their bad behavior. Of course you will let your partner call the shots if he or she is volatile, violent, vindictive and controls the assets. The trouble is that bullies encourage entanglement before they behave abusively.

Instead of having to disentangle from a toxic relationship when you have already been traumatized, learn to avoid these people in the first place.

How can you identify and avoid people who will take advantage of your good nature when first dating them?

Develop good boundaries. Set boundaries for what acceptable and unacceptable behavior in a relationship, and set them before dating. Date only those who respect your boundaries. Exercise due diligence. Have no compunction about background checking anyone you are starting to date seriously. You are not honor bound to ever tell anyone that you have done this. If you feel a need beyond the initial check to continue to spy or check up on someone you are dating, your intuition is telling you not to trust them. Watch for incongruent behavior; the person who smiles when she tells you how she got back at someone; the date who reports a lot of problems getting along with otheres, anyone who seems angry when you assert your opinion. Do not dismiss these signs. Be sensitive to socially odd behavior such as not responding to an obvious joke, blatant failure to make eye contact, not responding to conversational remarks, or huge imbalances in conversations so that you either get no airtime or must fill cavernous conversational gaps. Ask questions about the person’s relationships to friends or co workers and watch for answers which indicate contempt or cruelty, lack of empathy, or a need to dominate others. Pay attention to your feelings. If you feel confused, have a feeling of dread, or feel defensive or ashamed, do not dismiss these feelings. They are signs that something is amiss.

By Salihah

The Real Ten Commandments on Relationships


Learn what it takes to create powerful and intimate relationships. Build connection and community.

I believe we’ve lost touch on the value of our relationships . People seem to spend more time and money on their hair, toys, and possessions than they do on their relationships. I’m not sure when we crossed over into the land of disconnect but it saddens me that we’ve become a society obsessed with instant gratification, magical solutions, constant stimulation, ten second attention spans, and never ending to-do lists. Our need to get more, do more, and have more, has outweighed our basic human need for connection, centeredness, and cooperation. We have lost touch with the value of connection and the art of relationship building and the time has come to wake up and get our lives back in balance.

My work has been dedicated to helping others learn how to create authentic and intimate relationships. It is through our relationships that we heal, transform, and thrive. In fact, it is only within the context of our relationships that we are able to exist. My request is that you take the time to examine your relationships this week. Put time and energy toward the people you relate to on a daily or weekly basis. Be willing to invest yourself and your resources into nurturing your relationships.

To assist you with this quest, I have put together Ten Commandments on Relationships. No, I didn’t get them from atop a mountain or from a burning bush. They are part of The Pathway to Love Model and they provide a context from which to begin a paradigm shift. It’s my attempt to swing the pendulum back to a position where we can heal as a community. So here it goes…

See your relationships as your most powerful teachers. No matter how good or bad your relationships are with the people in your life, there is always more to learn. Never get complacent and never think you know or have it all. Life will humble you if you do. Spend time everyday nurturing your most important relationships. Quality is what counts, not quantity. Don’t get lazy. If you forget to eat, drink, or maintain your personal health, you will eventually wither and die. The same goes for your relationships. They require daily attention and care. Don’t expect instant gratification, magic, or constant affirmation from your relationships. Relationships have a life cycle just like human beings. Just like you don’t feel and perform a hundred percent, a hundred percent of the time, nor will your relationships. Give them a break and appreciate the long-term view. Remember, we are interdependent beings. You need others and others need you. We will not thrive as a species if we live in the ‘survival of the fittest’ game. Pay it back, forward, and sideways. Give freely and without expectations. If we all do this, we all win. Develop the skills you need in order to create healthy relationships . While we are hard wired to develop language, we are not hard wired to automatically know how to manage our emotions and communicate effectively. You took the time to learn how to write, do arithmetic, and acquire a trade. Put in at least the same amount of time, attention, money, and effort in learning how to do relationships. Read books, find role models, get coaching, counseling, or therapy. Either way, get educated. Don’t expect perfection—from yourself and from others. You are human. You will always be a work in progress. Be willing to admit your mistakes and learn from them. Be willing to forgive others for theirs. Tell people what you want and need. Don’t expect anyone to be a mind reader. Learn how to communicate in a way that is clear, direct, and kind. Everyone has their own perspective on things. Don’t expect everyone to agree with yours. Be willing to accept others’ perspectives as being true for them. Being human means you will feel happy, sad, hurt, scared, lonely, angry, excited, content, bored, etc. Emotions flow along with the changing circumstances of your life. Get comfortable with all your emotions. When you do, you will not feel compelled to find ways to deny, repress, suppress, mask, and project them onto others. I promise, no one ever died from having an emotion. They are what enable you to create intimate relationships with others. Your relationships are the most important assets you have in your life. Act accordingly.

The time has come for us to get back to each other and back to community. Take the time to learn how. I offer many ways from which to get started. Get ready to assess your relationship, transform your relationship at home, thrive with expert coaching.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out. I am committed to your success.

Remember, your best relationship starts here and now!

Be well.

By Bill